Sunday, April 13, 2014

High Maintenance

Middle age.  It's the period where we discover that our parts are in various stages of breaking down, filling out, and succumbing to gravity.  This transition is wholly unkind and unapologetic.

In fact, it sometimes feels like the gruesome, writhing metamorphosis Bruce Banner experiences every time the Hulk emerges, only slower.  His transformation does look painful--as is ours.

The first clue is Banner's eyes stop dead in their tracks, and turn bluish/white.  He rears back his head with a grimace on his face, as his neck begins to bulge, veins rising under the strain.  At the same time, muscle groups enlarge out of control, bursting through Banner's shirt sleeves and forcing buttons to pop.  For me, blouse-bursting happens at the most inopportune times, and without the blue/white eye-change warning.  I'm just sitting there trying to enjoy a dessert at brunch with friends, for example, when POP!

And I am thinking, C'mon, give me a break, this top can't contain me and a few bites of cheesecake!  Really?  That's just wrong.

To keep the monster at bay, I engage in all manner of preventative maintenance.  Okay, not really, but I should.  I engage in a few.  Being a die hard Do-It-Yourselfer, I purchased some exercise equipment for home, lots of moisturizing products, specially formulated shampoo and conditioner, and I stock piled L'Oreal hair color, in Espresso, for resistant gray, of course.  So far, I've managed to use these products successfully.

One area of maintenance, however, that I have finally decided needs to be left to the experts is feet.  My feet, size 5-1/2, require a lot more attention than one might think for such small pedestals.  First, feet have to be marinated in oil, then nails have to be clipped, filed, buffed and polished.  Then, calluses have to be sanded with pads resembling S.O.S. steel wool.  And you are supposed to take a grater-like thing to your heels.

The problem with trying to maintain your feet yourself is that it's tricky, and involves bending over.  Besides, feet are too important to be left to amateurs like ourselves.  Steel wool and skin graters can be brutal in the hands of an inexperienced, unlicensed, aging Do-It-Yourselfer.  I came to this conclusion after whittling my heels down to a point where I now inadvertently step out of my shoes in mid-step.

I just hope I don't burst through my blouse and lose my shoes at the same time.  It could happen, especially if I'm eating cheesecake on the run!


Anonymous said...

The true alter ego of The Incredible Hulk is Bruce Banner. Only in the 1970s television show was it inexplicably changed to "David Banner". The television show is not considered part of the official canon.
When that generation of characters was created by Stan Lee, alliteration was used for most of their names: Bruce Banner, Peter Parker, Sue Storm, Stephen Strange, Matt Murdock.

Tina Holden said...

Thank you for the input. I'll change it in the blog. I like alliteration, too. It's nice to have an informed reader commenting. --TH

Anonymous said...

so true but really funny. Great piece. loved it!!!!...OJ

Teresa Storer said...

Enjoyed your continued self depreciation on a subject that gets dearer to me every 365 days. Man they go fast now that I am very close to 60! How is that even possible?